Lost
by tuesdaysonthephonetome
Summary: You’re not lost. Literati. Songfic. TEMPORARILY ON HIATUS
1. You Were Cryin'

**Summary: **You're not lost. Literati. Songfic.

**A/N:** It just seemed to fit. Jess and Rory have lost themselves.

**Disclaimer:** The only things I own are my lovely books and cds. That's it.

He sat on that bus and watched her leave. It had almost broken him to watch her, but he couldn't tear his eyes away as she glanced back at him one last time before stepping off the bus and walking out of his life. Reading his book had proved an illegitimate distraction from the pain he tried to quell inside of himself. Now he was across the country, calling her like some desperate, lovesick idiot – which he was. Worse, she picked up the phone and he found himself completely unable to talk. When he'd told her, so long ago, that 'the verbal thing comes and goes', he never expected it to play out in such an ironic tragedy as this. It was like his vocal chords were paralyzed at the sound of her voice. But, oh, that sound. He called her just to hear her say hello a few times, then hang up.

He tried not to remember how the past few months had fallen together. Looking back, he recognized every moment that chipped away at their relationship. Every word that added another nail to their cross. Every glance that pushed them closer to the edge. In retrospect, he could see clearly that they were doomed from the start.

But before...

While they were together, he was sure they were meant to last. He had been trained since childhood not to have hopes or plans, but she had given him both. Almost forced them upon him. He'd planned on taking her to her prom, visiting her at Yale, driving her home on weekends. He'd hoped for a future of her.

Now he could see that the writing had been on the wall from his first day in Stars Hollow. The first day he met her. Now he knew that it was inevitable. Obviously, the only good thing in his life couldn't last. They never did. He flunked out of school, his father showed up, Luke kicked him out. He had no other choice but to go. They were just not meant to last. He wished he'd known that before. He would've spent more time with her, stored up more days with her. Or maybe he would've pushed her away sooner, beaten the inevitable to the task, made less memories so he'd feel less hurt.

He dialed her ever-familiar number and heard her answer. He hung up quickly, but was overcome with the longing to hear her voice again and dialed again. She answered and she said hello a few more times. He relished the sound of her voice. There were a few moments of silence and then, "Jess, is that you?"

He inhaled, sharply and silently.

"Jess, I'm pretty sure it's you and I'm pretty sure you've been calling and not saying anything but wanna say something."

He tried. He did. He tried to speak, but there were no words to express his thoughts, his pain, his regret.

"Hello?"

He gave up trying to speak, and let her. He listened to her admonish him for the way he handled things, rebuke him for leaving without saying goodbye again, and assure her she wouldn't pine for him. With a sharp pain to his chest he clung to her words as she confessed that she loved him, then told him she wanted him to be good. Her voice was like air to him, and her words pierced him through. Then she said goodbye.

"That word sounds really lame and stupid right now, but there it is. Goodbye."

She hung up. He lingered a moment with the phone to his ear, trying helplessly to hold on to someone not there. The dial tone glared angrily in his ear and he placed the phone back on it's line.

There had been tears in her last word, he thought with some anguish. She was crying.

_I can't believe it's over  
I watched the whole thing fall  
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall  
If I only knew  
The days were slipping past  
That the good things never last  
That you were cryin'_  
**- Lost by Michael Buble**


	2. I Hardly Recognize

**Summary:** You're not lost. Literati. Songfic.  
**  
A/N:** It just seemed to fit. Jess and Rory have lost themselves.

**Disclaimer: **The only things I own are my lovely books and cds. That's it.

* * *

**  
**Years had gone by. He'd run back to her and she'd refused him. She'd come to him and then walked away. The hurt he'd caused her was now countered by the pain she'd inflicted on him. And she was different. Every time he saw her she was worse, changed. It was like she'd been crying. Crying since that day years ago when she told him goodbye. She'd moved on, like she'd promised, but she wasn't the same. By now, he hadn't seen her in months, but most of him didn't want to. She'd hurt him on her last visit, and somehow he knew she'd be even more changed if he saw her again.

But a very small, unconvinceable part of him still clinged to her voice.

That's why, when he answered his phone to Luke's voice, he was conflicted.

"Hello?"

"Jess, how are you?"

"Luke." Jess stopped and wracked his brain for the last time Luke had called him. He concluded that it had been only a few days, so this obviously wasn't their weekly conversation they'd been keeping up since Luke visited him last.

"How are you?" Luke repeated, obviously avoiding the real reason for his call.

"Fine," Jess replied. "Since three days ago," he added dryly.

"Yeah, about that," Luke began. "I'm actually not calling for our weekly thing -"

"Really?" Jess asked sarcastically. "I'm shocked."

"I, uh..."

"What is it, Luke? I don't really have a lot of time."

"Rory broke up with Logan a few months ago..."

"I know, you told me."

"Well...she's in town. I guess she wants to see you."

Jess stopped dead. There was silence on both ends of the line for a good minute and a half. Finally, Jess asked the obvious. "Why?"

"I don't know," Luke admitted uncomfortably. "Lorelai said she's been thinking about things she's handled badly in her past and she wants to see you. I was sort of hoping you could fill me in on those details."

Jess hesitated. "She might be talking about the last time she was here."

"For the thing at your store?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

Jess sighed, debating how much to tell his uncle. He decided on less. "Stuff happened. We didn't part well. It was a long time ago."

"Not so long."

Jess shrugged, and Luke almost heard it.

"Come to Stars Hollow," Luke asked of him. "See what she wants to say. It couldn't hurt."

Jess promised he'd consider, but secretly thought that it could hurt. Very much.

---

He sat on the bridge thinking he must be completely insane. She was punctual. At least that was still the same. She sighed and walked toward him slowly but purposefully. He didn't watch her. She sat down next to him and stared at the water.

"Hi," she said, not looking at him.

"Hi." He didn't bother to look at her either.

"How's the bookstore?" she asked awkwardly.

"Fine."

"And...you?"

"I'm fine too." He answered her coldly, still angry at her from the last time they met. That tiny part of him, however, was practically dancing in the sound of her voice. He tired very hard to stop it.

"That's good... I'm glad."

She cleared her throat and turned to him. Almost against his will, like a reflex, he turned to her too.

"I need to tell you something," she said frankly.

"Okay."

"I'm sorry," she blurted as tears started to form in her beautiful eyes. "I was so mean to you. I treated you awfully. I can't even explain to you why, because I don't know myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I keep thinking about high school and Yale and I don't know what happened to me, but I think somewhere I just snapped. I changed. I don't really know what to do with myself. And I know I was angry at you for a while for leaving, but what I did to you was completely inexcusable, and you're right, you didn't deserve it. I've become a horrible person, and I just need -" She took a breath, and when she started again she spoke quietly. "I just need to fix it." Her eyes were pleading with him. "I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything now, but I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me."

She started to get up. Without thinking, he reached out and closed his fingers over her wrist. A wrist that had once been fractured because of him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, not meeting her gaze. She sat down again, but he didn't let go of her arm. "I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I...hurt you. You only changed after I did that to you." He looked up into her eyes. She was crying.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again, though what it was for this time, he wasn't sure. "Can you forgive me?"

A big part of him screamed 'no!'. The tiny part won. He nodded. "And, can you -"

She nodded violently. "I already have." Then, unexpectedly, she let out a sob. "I need to fix this," she whispered.

"Fix what?" he asked. His fingers were still closed around her wrist.

"Me," she replied simply. "God, I hope it's not too late."

He shook his head. "It's not."

"How can you be sure? I'm so different from who I was in high school." She whimpered a little. The last sentence was barely a breath. "I feel so lost."

He stoked his thumb up and down her wrist. "I'll help you," he offered, and felt himself smirk, just a little. "I knew you better than anyone."

She sniffed loudly, her perfect blue eyes sparkling with tears. Then she smiled.

_Summer turned to winter  
And the snow, it turned to rain  
And the rain turned into tears upon your face  
I hardly recognize the girl you are today  
And God I hope it's not too late  
It's not too late_  
**- Lost by Michael Buble**


	3. We Can Fly Away

**Summary: **You're not lost. Literati. Songfic.

**A/N:** It just seemed to fit. Jess and Rory have lost themselves.

**Disclaimer:** The only things I own are my lovely books and cds. That's it.

* * *

Rory groaned, exasperated, and threw her hands down in defeat.

"Just keep going," Jess prompted, encouragingly.

For the past three hours they'd been going through her life since high school, piece by piece. She told him the story, then she backtracked and filled in more blanks, then she backtracked again and added more details. This was their third backtrack and she was frustrated with herself. There was so much there to be sorry for.

"I can't," she said in response to him.

"Why not?"

"Because -" she hesitated. "Because this is the part where I go to Philadelphia...and see you."

Jess sat up straighter, eyes just a little wider. "Oh."

Rory nodded, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Rory," Jess began, gently, "we have to do this. If you don't know what changed you, you can't go back and fix it."

Rory sighed deeply and opened her mouth to speak. When no words came out, she shut it again.

"Okay, then," Jess changed track, "I'll start. You came home one day and found my flier in the mail. You thought to yourself, 'Well, I have nothing better to do today, I might as well go see my ex who, last time I saw him, met my jerk of a boyfriend and yelled at me, because that can't be awkward at all.' So you skipped to your car, hopped in, and drove all the way to Philly."

Rory giggled a little. "That's not what happened," she argued.

"I'm out," Jess said, defeated. "What really happened?"

"Well, I did come home one day and found your flier in the mail. But I was mad at Logan and I guess - I guess I thought that by going to see you, I was not only going to see an old friend who did me a huge favor by getting my butt back in school, I would also make Logan insanely jealous because my old friend happened to be my old boyfriend." Rory still wouldn't look Jess in the eye. Instead, she contented herself with staring at his fingers, which were laced together on her kitchen table.

"Two birds with one stone," Jess stated comprehensively.

Rory nodded. "But the stone ended up ricocheting off the tree and hitting me instead. And you." She glanced up at his briefly then looked away again.

Jess sighed. "Rory -"

She stood suddenly and walked a few feet away from the table. "I must've gone crazy! I wasn't me anymore! Me wouldn't have done that to you! Me wouldn't have dropped out of school! I probably just dumped me on the side of the road somewhere and yelled 'Adios!' out the window before driving away at breakneck speed, and me was just sitting there, watching the car get smaller and smaller."

"Well, your grammar has slipped some."

"Jess!" She whirled around, looking directly into his eyes for the first time in minutes. "I don't know what to do," she said softly, sadly. "I don't know where I left me."

Jess's eyes were sorrowful as they locked with hers, and suddenly she found she couldn't meet them anymore.

"I sound crazy," she muttered. "I think I am crazy. I need shrink."

"You're not crazy," Jess countered. "And I'm all you've got, shrink-wise."

Her eyes grazed the floor and she swallowed. "It is what it is," she whispered, parroting his words from months before.

He glanced up at her, recognizing the phrase instantly, pain clenching his stomach at the way she remembered it. The way she seemed to know exactly what sort of anguish he'd been in, saying those words to her. "You. Me," he finished for her. She nodded, swiping a tear from her eye impatiently. "So what is it?" he asked.

She looked up at him, not understanding. "What?"

"What is it?" he repeated.

She glanced around the kitchen, searching for something not there. Finally, she breathed, "I don't know."

"Rory, it's done," Jess told her firmly. "It's over. It was a long time ago and you can't keep beating yourself up about it."

"Why not?" she cried, meeting his gaze, which she saw was blazing.

"Because -" he began, a little loudly. "Because it was my fault in the first place!"

She blinked, shocked. "What?" she asked weakly.

"Everything," Jess said passionately. "Everything you've said, everything we've been going through. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't hurt you like I did, and left you. You changed because of me. It's my fault. I screwed up, and you got the worst of it. We're sitting here right now because of me. It's my fault."

Rory stared at him, her mouth slightly open and tears in her wide eyes. "It's not your fault," she whispered finally.

"Yes, it is," Jess insisted heatedly. "I started this."

"But you tried to fix it too," Rory said angrily. "You were the one who made me realize what an idiot I was being. You got me back in school!"

"But I set in motion the course of events that got you to drop out of school," Jess argued.

"For goodness sake, Jess," Rory cried, "you didn't alter the space/time continuum, you were a troubled, angry, confused kid who left his girlfriend without saying goodbye because he was troubled, angry and confused! It wasn't like I didn't get over that. I messed up! Not you, me. I slept with Dean, I dropped out of school, I stole a _boat_ - me!" She stopped to catch her breath. Jess stared at her.

"I still hurt you," he said quietly.

"I hurt you too," she replied.

"It's my fault."

"No, it's mine."

Jess smirked. "You realize we're fighting over who screwed up worst, don't you?" Rory smiled reluctantly. Jess sighed. "It's just life," he said, looking away from her. "It's both of our faults. It's life. Life screwed us both over."

"It really tore us apart," Rory agreed. "In more ways than one," she mused softly. She dropped her slight smile and said seriously, "I'm sorry."

"I know," Jess said. "I'm sorry too."

"I know," Rory nodded. Her small smile returned. "We already went over this."

"Yes," Jess agreed, "we did."

Rory sighed for the umpteenth time.

"I still loved you," Jess said suddenly, not meeting her eyes.

"What?" she asked a little weakly.

Jess echoed her last sigh. "I still loved you," he repeated clearly. "After everything that happened. After the last time..." he stopped, then looked at her. "I still loved you."

"Even after I treated you - ?"

Jess nodded.

Rory was silent. Jess wouldn't look at her again. "I think," she began slowly, "I think a little tiny part of me has always loved you. No matter how much I changed. I loved Logan, I did, but I think part of the reason I sabotaged that in the end was because...because that part of me was still in love with you."

He didn't move. Even his fingers were tense.

Rory sighed deeply yet again. "Can we -" she stopped and changed track. "Can I just start over?"

He looked at her finally, with that deeply intense stare.

"Can I just try again? I mean, I know I can't erase what I did, but can I maybe...just start over?"

Jess breathed. "If you want to," he answered.

Rory bit her bottom lip. "What does this mean for...for us?" she asked.

Jess shook his head. "I was hoping you'd tell me."

"Well," she began tentatively. "Do you want...?"

"Rory, I'm always here," Jess said. "Whether I like it or not - and most of the time I don't - I've always been here."

"Pining?" she teased.

"Not pining," he defended. "Just...waiting."

"Oh," she whispered.

He sighed again, irritatedly. "Come on," he said, getting up and walking towards the door.

"Where?" she asked, following him.

"You'll see."

---

"So," Rory began, "this is...?"

"This," Jess explained, "is where I go when Luke makes me visit him and I don't want anyone to find me."

Rory looked down at the roof she was sitting on. "What if I fall off?"

"You won't," Jess assured her, looking out at the town.

Rory paused, then asked. "How did you find out about this place?"

Jess smirked.

"Come on," Rory pleaded. "How did you even think to come up here?"

"Luke was feeling very chatty one night," Jess said simply. "He told me about the time he bought this place and then un-bought this place, and I just thought - "

"It would be a good place to trespass on and sit on the roof?" Rory finished for him, amused. "Sure, why not? The Twickham house is as good a place as any, I guess."

"I thought so," Jess agreed.

Rory closed her eyes as a breeze drifted over her face and teased her hair back. When she opened them again, she turned a little and peered at Jess.

"What?" he asked suspiciously.

"You've been very open today," she said carefully. "Why?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You've been very open about things," Rory repeated. "When I knew you, you weren't exactly Chatty Cathy."

Jess laughed a little. "In any relationship, big or small, one must be willing to open up to the other person if they desire any form of closeness," he recited.

Rory stared at him, slightly concerned for his mental health. "What?"

He smirked again. "I grew up, Rory," he explained. "I figured out that when I don't tell people things, I tend to screw them up."

"Jess - "

"I don't mean just you," he interrupted, foreseeing her thought pattern. "I've done it a lot. Sometimes you just have to say something." He ended quietly, almost a whisper.

Rory smiled and looked out over the town. She could see a tiny Taylor yelling at a miniscule Kirk somewhere in the doll-sized square. "You know," she began, continuing to watch the town, "once, when I was little, my mom told me that if I was very good, Prince Charming would come find me when I was older." She laughed softly. "After that, I read a whole lot of books about fairies, and I was convinced that this one tree stump was a fairy ring, so I waited for them for days, wearing fairy wings so they wouldn't be scared of me. Then, I thought that maybe since Prince Charming was going to come find me, he'd need some sort of sign pointing to where I was, so I hung wind chimes on our mailbox and outside my window." Jess was watching her now, a sort of semi-amused expression on his face. She grinned. "Maybe I should hang wind chimes again. Or watch for fairies. Maybe I'm a fairy." She closed her eyes and raised her arms above her head, laughing as the breeze picked up and washed over her, pulling at her hair as though inviting her to fly.

"There she is," she heard Jess whisper. She looked at him. He was gazing evenly at her.

"Who?" Rory asked, confused.

"Rory," Jess replied. "I think you found her."

She smiled just a little, then closed her eyes into the wind again as her smiled widened. He felt a sort of elation. She wasn't crying anymore

_Life can show no mercy  
It can tear your soul apart  
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy  
But you're not  
Though things have seemed to change  
There's one thing that's still the same  
In my heart you have remained  
And we can fly, fly, fly away_  
**- Lost by Michael Buble**


End file.
